I spent many years in Diaspora before coming home to the Church. In those years adrift, a single phrase from Mass remained in my head (and in my heart), and ultimately led me home.
"Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed."
It was that promise of healing that drew me back. Even alone in the wilderness, I knew that He had that power.
For a long time, I focused on the not worthy part. I understood that I was imperfect, and as such not able to fully be with Him. I wept in sorrow and repentence. But recently, it's the promise of healing that draws me. It's that promise that fills me with hope, not only for myself, but for my small, hurting family.
God may not heal my child, but He can help heal my heart.
Glory be to God.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Oh! The Places You'll Go!
God has been taking me on an interesting journey.
The centralness of my Catholic faith fills up and the wanes from the centre of my life periodically... we're in the "filling up" phase right now. It's Lent, and I've been thinking an awful lot about sin. I'm not sure if it's in a good way or a bad way. Is there a good way to think about sin?
Without divulging my secrets here, I'm gaining insight into why we have Reconciliation. To those who don't know, it's the "new" name for Confession. But Confession wasn't sufficient as far as names and labels go; there's more to it than just reciting a litany of the darkness of your soul. Reconciliation can be life-altering. I know of at least one instance in my own life where it has been. And I think that I'm approaching that point again, when that need to reconcile what I was with what I'm meant to be is coming to a head.
I realize today that God provides a path for us to follow. I have prayed for days, weeks, to reconnect with my daughter, from whom I feel increasingly distant as she spends the bulk of her day with her tutors. By the end of her "work" day, I'm busy with supper and dishes, and then bed. I don't get "quality" time with her. What does God do? He sends snow!! Unexpectedly, our afternoon tutor cancels due to weather today, and I'm left thinking, "What do I do with this child of mine this afternoon?" Amazingly, her baby sister napped, and we got time together. She helped me unload the dishwasher. We made cookies. We sat around and ate cookies. We looked at books. We roughhoused and played. It was a wonderful experience that suddenly helped me connect with my child again (and allowed me to see how much she's grown up the past weeks and months!!!) I feel like I can resume being her mother.
I have other paths to follow. I get the sense that God has laid a road for me to follow in the coming months, and I want to be obedient and travel it. I'm hoping it will lead me to where I think it's going, but I'm okay if it takes me somewhere else too. I finally feel like my life has direction again after years of being adrift. There's a role for me and my family in this larger community, and my greatest desire is to fill it.
However, instead of going it alone like Dr. Seuss predicted, I'm going by the grace of God and the help of my friends and family.
It's gonna be an awesome ride.
The centralness of my Catholic faith fills up and the wanes from the centre of my life periodically... we're in the "filling up" phase right now. It's Lent, and I've been thinking an awful lot about sin. I'm not sure if it's in a good way or a bad way. Is there a good way to think about sin?
Without divulging my secrets here, I'm gaining insight into why we have Reconciliation. To those who don't know, it's the "new" name for Confession. But Confession wasn't sufficient as far as names and labels go; there's more to it than just reciting a litany of the darkness of your soul. Reconciliation can be life-altering. I know of at least one instance in my own life where it has been. And I think that I'm approaching that point again, when that need to reconcile what I was with what I'm meant to be is coming to a head.
I realize today that God provides a path for us to follow. I have prayed for days, weeks, to reconnect with my daughter, from whom I feel increasingly distant as she spends the bulk of her day with her tutors. By the end of her "work" day, I'm busy with supper and dishes, and then bed. I don't get "quality" time with her. What does God do? He sends snow!! Unexpectedly, our afternoon tutor cancels due to weather today, and I'm left thinking, "What do I do with this child of mine this afternoon?" Amazingly, her baby sister napped, and we got time together. She helped me unload the dishwasher. We made cookies. We sat around and ate cookies. We looked at books. We roughhoused and played. It was a wonderful experience that suddenly helped me connect with my child again (and allowed me to see how much she's grown up the past weeks and months!!!) I feel like I can resume being her mother.
I have other paths to follow. I get the sense that God has laid a road for me to follow in the coming months, and I want to be obedient and travel it. I'm hoping it will lead me to where I think it's going, but I'm okay if it takes me somewhere else too. I finally feel like my life has direction again after years of being adrift. There's a role for me and my family in this larger community, and my greatest desire is to fill it.
However, instead of going it alone like Dr. Seuss predicted, I'm going by the grace of God and the help of my friends and family.
It's gonna be an awesome ride.
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